Terrance Thames' Blog

Its TIme!

2009-10-24T19:53:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody!

I am very excited to present to you my new website. www.authenticdatingclub.com This will be my new site as I will posting all of my new stuff over there so check it out and let me know your thoughts. Honest feedback is greatly appreciated. It is not complete yet but the blog part of it is done for now. So stay tuned...

"The Masculine problem"

2009-09-07T12:27:00.000-07:00

Here is an article written by Stephen Nash. His thoughts are very inspiriing to me and a number of men learning to become men. I love reading his articles but this one, to me, is a masterpiece. There are 2 parts to this. A lot of how I teach is conveyed in this beautifully written article. He is spot on with whats wrong with the PUA/seduction community. Let me know what you think

http://www.datingsecretsformen.com/2009/08/24/the-feminism-problem-part-i/

A Modern Day Clash of the Titans

2009-08-07T18:07:00.000-07:00

So I rescued an especially feisty kitten for a pet about 10 years ago. I think feisty might actually be an understatement, but that is what drew me to adopt her. I have grown quite fond of her over the years. She is my goddess and I love her dearly. She doesn’t let anyone near her unless she gets to know them and they respect her. I’m in a position now, where I was going to move in with a good friend. My friend has an extremely playful and friendly 75lb pit bull. Before I move in with him, I had to make sure that my cat and his dog got along. Jack is the dog's name and Yoda is my cat's name.

I showed up with Yoda in her carrying bag. She's an indoor cat so she is not in the best mood. Immediately, Jack was curious and excited. Yoda was surprised and responded with her mini roar (hiss). Jack didn't care. He knew what he wanted and was focused. I knew this was going to be a rough meeting. We calmed Jack down and made him lay down on the other side of the room. In the meantime, I let Yoda get out of her bag and find her ground where she felt she could make the most strategic move. She knew from the size of Jack that this was not going to be easy. She has never backed down in her life and she isn't planning on starting now. She staked her claim behind a chair on the other side of the room. We then brought Jack over holding him to make sure nothing happened drastic. We moved the chair to allow them to get close while holding Jack. Jack saw an opportunity and executed a lunge forward towards her, invading her space. Yoda, while having an opportunity to run, stood her ground and smacked Jack in the face. Jack, unfazed, kept coming into Yoda’s space, and every time he did he got a vicious smack.

After meeting strong resistance from Yoda, Jack began to try to find other ways to invade her space. He tried to attack from the back of the chair. Yoda found strategic ground that forced Jack to come straight at her or give up. Jack by this point was trembling with excitement because he finally found an adversary worthy of his full attention. He went over to the TV, but he could only stick his head behind the TV. Jack tried to negotiate a surrender by way of barking and trying to get close to her, however every time he got too close and ignored Yoda’s growls, he got smacked. She would not negotiate with him. This happened for about 15 minutes until every time he got smacked he started to blink, not from fear, but I believe from respect. That didn’t break his focus. He was to determined and curious that he had to continue his quest to play with her. Again, Jack got another advantageous break. We moved the TV so that Jack could completely get behind on both sides. With no restraints and no restrictions Jack thought that he had her. Yoda, again did not run. Instead, she performed flawlessly. She smacked him with every violation. Finally, Jack was broken and admitted defeat. He started to lay down every time she smacked him and when he tried to go around to get behind her, he would actually let out a small yelp as a warning that he was coming. She was then able to turn around quicker, but Jack was learning to respect her boundaries because he would stop just short of her reach and just laid his head down next to her. She was now inside his head. She began to stop smacking him as much, just a growl. She started to trust him more. Eventually they were nuzzling noses with no restraints and no boundaries.

This story, rather comedic, has a rather important lesson it in it.For Yoda, her boundaries were put in place and she stood by them because her LIFE depended on it. She never wavered from them. Once Jack earned her trust, she was willing to surrender to him. For women, I offer this story so that if you get into a situation with another person to remember this story and treat your boundaries like Yoda did and treat them as if your life depended on it.

As for Jack, he didn’t know her boundaries, but was fearless in pursuing her. He was unwaivered in his purpose. You normally will not know a woman's boundaries up front. You have to test them to see if they are there. If they are there figure out what they are. It took him a while, but he learned to respect her boundaries and only then did he get what he desired, a playful partner. In this case, Jack got a lot of chances to actually listen and learn her boundaries. In reality, you will rarely get this many chances to to the same. The fact that she stood her ground excited him so much that he was literally quivering with excitement. Personally for me, I love it when women have boundaries and stand up for themselves. It gives me a challenge and lets me know that they value themselves more than they value my opinion of them. It gives me something to go for that is of greater value.

I showed up with Yoda in her carrying bag. She's an indoor cat so she is not in the best mood. Immediately Jack was curious and excited. Yoda was surprised and responded with her mini roar (hiss). Jack didn't care. He knew what he wanted and was focused. I knew this was gonna be a rough meeting. We calmed Jack down and made him lay down on the other side of the room, in the meantime letting Yoda get out of her bag and find her ground where she felt she could make the most strategic move. She knew from the size of Jack that this was not gonna be easy. She has never backed down in her life and she isn't planning on starting now. She staked her claim behind a chair on the other side of the room. We then brought Jack over holding him to make sure nothing happened drastic. We moved the chair to allow them to get close while holding Jack. Jack saw an opportunity and executed a lunge forward towards her invading her space. Yoda while having an opportunity to run, stood her ground and smacked Jack in the face. Jack, unfazed, kept coming into Yoda’s space, and every time he did he got a vicious smack. After meeting strong resistance from Yoda, Jack began to try to find other ways to invade her space. He tried to attack from the back of the chair. Yoda then found strategic ground that forced to come straight at her or give up. Jack by this point was trembling with excitement because he finally found an adversary worthy of his full attention. He went over to the TV and he could only stick his head behind the TV. Jack tried to negotiate a surrender by way of barking tried to get close to her and again every time he got too close and ignored Yoda’s growls he got smacked. She would not negotiate with him. This happened for about 15 min until every time he got smacked he started to blink, not from fear, but I believe from respect. That didn’t break his focus. He was to determined and curious that he had to continue his quest to play with her. Again Jack got another advantageous break. We moved the TV so that Jack could completely get behind on both sides. With no restraints and no restrictions Jack thought that he had her. Yoda, again did not run. Instead she performed flawlessly. She smacked him with every violation. Finally Jack was broken and admitted defeat. He started to lay down every time she smacked him and when he tried to go around to get behind her, he would actually let out a small yelp as a warning that he was coming. She was then able to turn around quicker, but Jack was learning to respect her boundaries because he would stop just short of her reach and just laid his head down next to her. She was now inside his head. She began to stop smacking him as much, just a growl. She started to trust him more. Eventually they were nuzzling noses with no restraints and no boundaries. This story, rather comedic, has a rather important lesson it in it

For Yoda, her boundaries were put in place and she stood by them because her LIFE depended on it. She never wavered from them. Once Jack earned her trust she was willing to surrender to him. For Women, I offer this story so that if you get into a situation with a another person to remember this story and treat your boundaries like Yoda did and treat them as if your life depended on it.

As for Jack, He didn’t know her boundaries, but was fearless in pursuing her. Unwaivered in his purpose. You normally will not know a woman's boundaries up front. You have to test them to see if they are there. If they are there figure out what they are. It took him a while but he learned to respect her boundaries and only then did he get what he desired, a partner to play with. In this case Jack got a lot of chances to actually listen and learn what her boundaries are. In reality you will rarely get this many chances to to the same. The fact that she stood her ground excited him so much that he was literally quivering with excitement. Personally for me I love it when women have boundaries and stand up for themselves. It gives me a challenge and lets me know that they value themselves more than they value my opinion of them.

Approaching from a Woman's perspective

2009-07-24T10:20:00.000-07:00

So yesterday morning I got an email from Rori Raye, a female dating coach and owner of http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/ A huge blog dedicated to women learning how to be more feminine and taking control of their lives. About 98% of the posters on this blog are women and only a few men. Before I get into the email let’s just say that it is great practice for any man to get on there and post because it can be a VERY tough crowd at times. It is great for learning how to deal with a woman's emotions and developing your own intuition, which is extremely important for building deep connections with not just women, but everyone. I have personally already seen a vast improvement in this area.

Anyways this is what she sent me:

Terrance, this is very helpful...would you like to put together a post for us about how to approach a shy man without leaning forward or being invested? I'll post it as a guest post...just email it to me here.

Rori

So I wrote her my thoughts which I will show next which is up currently on her blog. So you can tune in to her page to get involved with the conversation. Over here, however I am going to attempt to tie everything into how men can be able to pick up on these subtle signs and hopefully elevate some social pressure in the process.

Rori,

This should be interesting since I am usually coaching guys on how to approach women since women tend to not physically walk up to a man. I have never done it from the other way around. So I will start by referring to how guys approach and then relate it to how maybe we can minimize the leaning forward from women.When guys approach typically they incur the majority of the risk of rejection from the interaction. They have to put themselves out there. However, in my opinion, I believe that women approach WAY more than men do already. Probably at a 90/10 split. They just do it very subtlety. And they don't do it by walking up. My definition of an approach is a little different from most guys. Men just generally aren't present enough to be aware of these approaches or maybe approach invitations.

I feel that being shy is a function of something internally stopping them from being themselves. I feel this is a fear based action. To me, this is evident from people, in general, being able to warm up out of their shyness and into their true selves. This seems to be a process of trusting that the environment that they are in or the people that are around provide a safe environment capable of holding their true selves without judgment. I explain this so that maybe if women can understand the process of why this occurs we can come up with some ways to help to build that trust while putting in minimum investment and leaning forward. I don't necessarily believe that this can be an investment free/leaning back void process because even positive body language and smiling requires some investment/energy as little as it is. So let’s get into what women can do to approach while minimally investing. These are in order of least investment to most investment.

1. Positive body language- Obviously the most natural form of approaching and the least invested that you can get. This will be the core of this post. The most obvious form would be a smile and a long gaze (2-5 seconds). Any less than that would not be enough to let the typical guy know that it is ok to approach. I would look away first then LOOK BACK. Any time I see a woman look back at me after holding a gaze, I know, that I should approach, if I'm interested. I have trained myself that if a woman looks at me for 2 seconds, I ASSUME attraction is there and at least go meet her. I am not shy though. As guys get more confident in approaching they won't need the look back for them to approach. I believe that shy guys need this.

2. Wear something conversation worthy- If you want more guys in general to approach you (not just shy guys) then wear something that allows space for a man to comment or compliment you on it. Most shy guys are shy generally because they just don't know what to say to women even if they do get the courage to approach. If they have something to say or talk about then the likely hood of him approaching is much higher. Synergistically this works well in compliment with body language and presence (displaying your femininity) to draw men into you.

3. Positioning- If you don't want to walk up to him. Position yourself BY HIM. You are not actually approaching him but it will be easier for a shy guy to start a conversation if you are physically around him to begin with. You can experiment with combining using your body language (playing with hair, crossing legs towards him, exposing of the neck, etc...) and eye contact with being around him for a much more synergistic effect. A lot of times when I am out and I make eye contact with a woman in one area and I go about my business and then notice a few minutes later she is really close in my proximity or all of a sudden brushes up against me, I ASSUME attraction and approach, if I'm interested. This is amplified with positive body language.

4. Situational or Help approaching- This in my opinion seems to be the most invested you can become without it feeling masculine to me. If you are asking about something that involves your surroundings or asking for help (don't go overboard with this)...then I have no reason to feel that you are over-invested. (I.e...”Do you have the time?”). Again while doing this make sure your body language is open to them.

5. Just saying Hi- This is equal to #4 as the most invested you should have to go without questioning a shy guy's masculine presence or attractiveness to you. By this point you have done all you can do and it is up to him to sink or swim.

Shy guys are generally good guys that miss a lot of opportunities to meet women due to their lack of will/ability to approach women. I feel that women miss opportunities of meeting these good guys because they are more sensitive to rejection and it doesn't feel natural for them to approach a guy. To me both lose here.

For some women this is a weed out process for guys that are less aggressive/dominant in a social environment. I have heard this quite a bit on this blog. At the same time they worry if they are going to end up another notch on someone’s bedpost. I can respect this and personally I find it not all that attractive when a woman approaches me too aggressively. I find that if a woman approaches me depending on the approach I think "That's kinda cute she's trying to be a guy right now" I don't think it really affects my overall attractiveness towards her, but it definitely feels masculine to me. If it feels masculine to me then it probably will to you as well. The only way it doesn't feel somewhat masculine is if they are asking for help, (I always take it "They are asking me to lead them") asking about something in the environment. There is something in me that craves being able to pick up on these subtle cues and going and getting what I want. I think that because when I do get what I want it is much more satisfying that way.

All this being said, be cautious of these few things

1. This will not always work with getting shy guys to approach and engage you. The fear of approaching and being rejected can be crippling as a result they still will not invest in the interaction. This is out of your control and is NOT because of you as a woman. This is an internal problem that needs to be worked out with them and not you.

2. They may NOT always be attracted to you- I mentioned a lot above about assumed attraction. It is just that...assumed. It’s what I use to get over anxiety of possibly being rejected. The reality is that everybody gets rejected. Even if body language seems inviting it may be a miss cue. I relate it to playing black jack. You can only play the odds and trust that you are making the right educated decision. I am not afraid to be wrong and that gives me confidence. The more outcome independency you have, the more this part will not affect you.

Ok, So the fact that she asked me to write a post about approaching shy guys means to me that women want you to so badly approach them that they are willing to seek out ways to help MEN have an easier time with understanding when it is ok for them to approach them.

So the question is: To the men how would you respond to any of these approaches mentioned above? Would you start to immediately lead the conversation? OR Would you even notice that they are approaching you?

Well first things first. You have to been able to first recognize that they are present first. What are some ways to do that?

1. Slow things down- I’m sure that you have heard that before. It may be hard at first but by trying to slow down your speech, how you move, and intensify your listening, you will be more able to notice when a woman is trying to get you to notice her.

2. Focus on your breathing-I do this everywhere I go and I do it as often as I can remember. When you do this the chatter in your head stops and you become much more acutely aware of your surroundings and the women that are in it.

3. Risk failure-if your intuition tells you that a woman is approaching you or wanting you to spproach, APPROACH. Even if you fail, your intuition will grow and you will be able to eventually, more skillfully, be able to recognize these female approaches.

I will leave with a video of what not to do on pretty much all levels but its pretty funny

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4D0555EtAZ4

A little More about me...

2009-07-09T16:55:00.000-07:00

Alright!

I finally got this thing up and running. Now here's the hard part: writing. I know it seems weird to start up a blog when you are not very good at writing. Well, my intention is to get better at writing as I continue to post. I will be able to look back at this post and think "Wow, Terrance, that sucked, but now you are sooo much better!" So bear with me through the growing pains.
Anyways, I know I posted a little bit about myself already, but I am going to give a very detailed view into my former life. This, hopefully, will shed some light on how I became who I am today. For those of you that already know me, you might catch a few things that you didn't know.

I was born in St. Louis, Missouri and grew up in a upper-middle class suburb in the county. I was one of a very few black familes that were in this area. Since I grew up here, I thought life was normal and I personally did not experience that much racism, even though parents had. I saw it happening all around me from people spray painting racial slurs on people's houses, to people getting fired from their jobs when affirmative action was lifted there. So obviously, interracial relationships were frowned upon by a lot of people there. Since I typically dated out of my race, I got a lot of criticism growing up, both from my family and by my peers.In high school, I was considered a pretty popular person and it was one of the most memorable times in my life. I was friends with virtually every very attractive girl in the school. They key word is FRIEND. I didn't have sex with any of these women. Yeah, I was THAT guy! I was the guy who all the hottest girls in school would call when they had problems with their boyfriends. For advice, that is. I had two girlfriends while in high school and one for six months when I was a senior and still managed to maintain my virginity until I got to college. I often wondered if I was ever going to have sex before I died.

When I got to college and finally moved away from home, I felt that I needed to change this part of my life. With no direction and looking for a part-time job to support myself, I got a job at an all-girl clothing store. Bad idea...it sucked. It was almost as bad as working at Chik-a-Fila when I was 14 and constantly getting hit on by the gay cook! Anyways, that lasted about a semester and then I got a job as a bouncer. This where my life took a much better turn. One night after the club closed, I was having some friends visiting me from back home, including a really hot blonde who always flirted with me before I moved. I got really drunk and the next thing I know, she's taking advantage of me. Just like that my precious V card was cashed out. I didn't remember it either.

In college I had two girlfriends. Both were great girls and great relationships for different reasons. The first girlfriend was short lived – three months officially, but it was three really intense months. Eventually, towards the end we fought all the time and she eventually broke it off. At the time, we were at two diffrent places in our lives and there was a big maturity gap, which has since disappeared. What I learned from her was priceless. When we broke up I was devastated. I didn't go out for two weeks. She taught me how to manage and deal with my emotions. In hind sight, that was the best way for it to go. We are really close years later.

My second girlfriend was a long one. It lasted around three years and I was close to proposing. A great relationship, except for one important detail. We had to keep it a secret from anyone related to her or anyone that knew her family. Her parents, especially her dad, were very racist. She felt that she would get disowned by them if they found out. However, she told me that she would eventually tell them if we got really serious. So I told her that I would keep the secret for two years so that they would pay for her tuition. I didn't stick to my stipulation because we stayed together for three years. That's right you guessed it! She never told them - until after we broke up, that is. So what I gather happened was a lack of respect due to me not respecting my boundaries and walking. However, this time around I was prepared and I dealt with it fairly well. I then got a job promotion and moved to LA.

LA for me was very different. I felt like I needed to learn how to communicate again because everybody I was in contact with was very defensive and super cautious. So I started doing all kinds on social experiements to see how people tick out here. I found out amazing things about myself and how to interact. One of my longer experiements was learning and involving myself in the seduction community. I met some amazing people throughout this process and I am still learning. This was my journey to this point and I have purposely left some people out of this as they will get a much bigger entrance into the blog than what could be presented in this post. I have also made this part rather vague as a lot of what I will be posting will explain it much better I think this is an appropriate introduction. Please feel free to chime in and post comments. The more the better.